


Bribery

by D20Owlbear



Series: Zine Fics [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bribery, Crowley's only real Go- Bad Demon skill, Dagon Lord of the Files and Master of Torments, Gen, Hell Runs on Dagon, They're all a mess, a very distinguished name, but Dagon is the Messiest and therefore the most Accomplished Demon, church stained-glass are like takis and Dagon is a demon of CLASS, demons eat glass shards like crisps, lets be real, no one at me about this, reporting to hell, spicy pain chips, which is a demon skill that WILL BE on the test
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26225161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D20Owlbear/pseuds/D20Owlbear
Summary: Crowley strode through the depths of Hell, past the neon sign that fizzled and blinked fast enough to make even unholy eyes water in a mockery of a redlight district, and into Dagon’s office. The Lord of the Files and Master of Torments was due a report and Crowley knew better than most that late wasunacceptable. Bribes, however, were encouraged.Crowley goes to deliver his reports to Dagon and brings a bribe, to get his Corporate Expenses Card—all black and in metal in order to be as fully pretentious as he ought as a flash bastard demon—topped up without having to submit hisactualexpenses
Relationships: Crowley & Dagon (Good Omens)
Series: Zine Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904656
Comments: 10
Kudos: 40





	Bribery

**Author's Note:**

> Exclusivity for Yuck! There's Demons In My Zine just ended! So I can post this here!

Crowley strode through the depths of Hell, past the neon sign that fizzled and blinked fast enough to make even unholy eyes water in a mockery of a redlight district, and into Dagon’s office. The Lord of the Files and Master of Torments was due a report and Crowley knew better than most that late was _unacceptable_. Bribes, however, were encouraged.

A plastic bag was dropped on Dagon’s desk and she cast her unnerving gaze onto Crowley. He smirked widely and cocked a hip before flourishing a hand like the flash-bastard he was at the bag. Dagon only blinked at him for a second before tearing into the bag. Glass shards in various colors fell over her desk and her lips pulled back in a mockery of a smile, each tooth thin and pointed like an angler fish.

“And just what did you bring me, Crawley?” Dagon asked lowly, poking at one of the multi-colored and hissed as her fingertip burnt slightly at the touch. “You _must_ despise me if you brought hallowed stained glass.” Her eyes narrowed as she made eye contact through those blessed glasses the serpent wore.

“Ehe,” Crowley held up his hands as if he were innocent of anything, “You know you’re the most despicable to me, Lord Dagon!”

She plucked up one of the shards of glass and popped it into her mouth, ignoring the way her fingertips gathered a bit of char, chewing violently as the glass shattered and tried to cut her mouth, but demons were made of sterner stuff deep in the pits of Hell. “Spicy.” She bared her teeth in approval and let the sound of sizzling flesh from her mouth sit between them before looking pointedly at a clear space on her desk.

“And where is your report, then? For your assignment to Munich?” 

“Right here, my lord.”

She narrowed her eyes even further until she had to lean in and loom from her desk over Crowley. “Suspicious. What do you want?”

“What I always want, Lord of the Files.” Crowley conjured his black, logo-less credit card from his pockets dimension and laid it on top of his report on the desk. “A top off.”

Dagon hummed in thought before sneering, “You already gave up your bargaining chip, why would I do that?”

“Because I have these. Crunchy starch, covered in acid powder.” Crowley smirked and pulled out a large, neon green thing that crinkled with moved with the words Family Size and Lìmon in harrowing white and red text. Dagon was partial to it already, but she had an image to maintain.

“And just _why_ would I want that?” She asked with a grimacing frown, tapping at some of the sea glass and iron slag on her desk mixed in with the church stained glass.

“Cause it pops like a gunshot and then crunches,” Crowley said simply.

Dagon hummed to herself in deliberation but decided that Crowley, while top marks in bribery in past performance reports, often received dismal scores for liary and likely wasn’t lying now. Sad excuse for a demon he was (unless you asked Belphagor, of course). So, she licked the approval stamp so that it dripped with black, ink-like substance and slammed it down on Crowley’s report and expense papers underneath his black card so that all of it was coated in a thin layer of grimy, deep-fish saliva.

Crowley threw the bag of crisps at her to distract Dagon from biting off his hand as he filched his card off the table once more and danced back out of easy reach. Dagon, holding the bag in her hands, continued to make vaguely threatening eye contact with Crowley and bit into the bag with needle-thin teeth, and grinned widely at the _ungodly_ loud popping noise of compressed air escaping its seal as fried potato slivers covered in salt and acid scattered over her desk.

“Your report’s been filed, Crowley.” Dagon’s grin turned sharp in the way tigers did when they’d finished gorging themselves full of bloody meat. “You’re free to go.” And Crowley, for as bad (or good?) of a demon he was, did have all the self-preservation of the snake he was.


End file.
